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[gotup]

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[gotup]

Steve settles back into a half-doze, half-staring at the ceiling as he waits for Tony to wake up. It'd be rude to just leave him and go about his day, he thinks - although maybe Tony might prefer that, being able to slip out and pretend nothing happened. Which actually makes him even more stubbornly determined to stay right here.

"Mmhm," he hums sleepily in response. Just because he stopped when he came back to bed doesn't mean he's going to deny doing it at all. He doesn't care if Tony knows, only if it bothers him (and it's debatable how much he would really care then, depending on the objection raised).

[myheartglows]

Arms sore (exercise: apparently an effective punishment), Tony just hums back in solidarity before his brain catches up to his body. Was that a yes? Is Steve even awake enough to answer? Tony's not even sure he's awake enough to ask; he slept so deeply and soundly, a rare occurrence. So Cap's a cuddler, big surprise, what does it matter? the siren of sleep offers. Pepper matters, he sends back. The idea that she's the One is cemented. He needs her.

Tony sits up on his elbows and rubs his eyes. The various sections of his brain reluctantly light up: rational thought, motor function, memory... Memory. His head fills to bursting.

"I think we should set better parameters," he says carefully, "in light of all that happened last night." I wasn't myself, he should add, but doesn't: a running theme lately.

[gotup]

Steve both is and isn't surprised by this: he's felt like their boundaries aren't quite good enough for a while, but he also isn't entirely sure what about last night brought this on. Did he overstep somewhere? He doesn't think so, but apparently he's wrong about that.

"Yeah?" He rolls over onto his side to face Tony. "What do you want?"

[myheartglows]

"Just the escape," Tony stresses; and the companionship, echoes after, but he digs his heels in and deepens the line drawn. "I belong with Pepper. Once I work things out, we'll be together and you'll be an eagle free to fly. Good news for you, right?" He tries to smile. He needs to nip this in the bud before Steve confuses his own emotions.

[gotup]

"Never thought you wanted anything else." Steve shrugs and hopes it looks casual enough. He certainly doesn't want to betray his own feelings on the matter. "But if that's the case, you might wanna set up your own bedroom here so you have someplace to go - or a couch in the workshop or something." His best guess is that Tony has some problem with the cuddling, and he can understand that. "Hell, you're welcome to the couch in my office. But if we end up doing things too late at night, I'm not gonna let you drive back to the city when you're still half-under, you know?"

[myheartglows]

Tony breathes out in relief only for pain to spark in his heart, which makes no sense whatsoever. "Yeah. That'd be smart. I'll work on that," he agrees, nodding. Then, eyes growing distant as he rambles on: "Probably a fancy futon in the shop. Wouldn't be my first. You can dump me there."

[gotup]

"Might wanna bring all your fancy face stuff, too," Steve teases with a grin that only looks a little forced. He likes sleeping with Tony, which is probably a good enough reason why he shouldn't. "And some clothes that actually fit." God, he's making it sound like Tony's moving in. Truth be told, he's always secretly thought Tony should live here with the rest of him, and now that he's beginning to piece together just how Tony's doing on his own, he feels it more strongly than ever. But Steve knows he'll never convince him of that fact; the best he'll get are these brief sessions together.

[myheartglows]

"A routine would be good," Tony adds quietly. He can plan, that's something he can do: a step-by-step process of how to convince Pepper that he can be stable for her. Maybe he can look to the past and his parents for solutions. Trying to build the future as he sees best ultimately led to more destruction.

[gotup]

"You gonna pencil me in on your calendar?" Steve snorts. "You can call it a workout or something." He doesn't mind the idea of scheduling these things at all; it means he has more advance notice to plan and prepare for what he's going to do. It's not the sort of thing he ever imagined, but very little is, when dealing with Tony.

[myheartglows]

"Or date night with Steve," spills out in good humor. (Tony misses date nights. Pepper strove to keep him on a schedule that worked with hers -- for them.) He blinks out of his thought-induced trance and turns to Steve. "What 'bout you? You only looking to get your good Samaritan badge and maybe your flagpole polished?" He glances downward at flagpole to make sure his meaning gets across.

[gotup]

At least he doesn't visibly flinch at Tony's joke, so maybe his poker face is getting better. And Tony doesn't seem to notice, because he just keeps going on into the realm of ridiculous innuendo (he doesn't need any sort of helpful gestures to get what he means, thank you). "We'll just stick to the good Samaritan badge for now," he replies dryly, in the tone of voice that implies that he absolutely doesn't want to elaborate on his sudden change of heart regarding sex. "Besides, I kinda like it."

[myheartglows]

"Yeah? Well, consider me your playground." Tony briefly spreads his arms. "Find out what you do, and don't, like for the next lucky lady -- or, or a guy! -- that comes your way."

[gotup]

Steve scrubs his face with a hand. Maybe he's too picky (Nat would say he's too picky), but so far, he's met exactly one person in the twenty-first century he'd consider being with, and that person is too caught up in his ex to be interested in Steve. So he's pretty sure nobody's going to come his way anytime soon, especially since he doesn't get out too much. "You sound like you're about to tell me that it's okay to be gay in the twenty-first century," he sighs, and there's a hint of Brooklyn seeping into his voice from frustration. "And, for the record, I don't need that talk."

[myheartglows]

Tony smiles, a little. With firmer borders established, he feels stronger. No more questioning Steve's motives (or his own) in this endeavor -- he's lacked certainty like that far too much these past months. "To be fair, up until the point you kissed me, I thought you were as straight as a Catholic school ruler," he says.

[gotup]

And there's the sound of the point whooshing over Tony's head. Steve strongly considers smothering him with a pillow, except with his luck, that would turn out to be another one of Tony's kinks. "Never judge a book by its cover," he says finally, after a moment of hesitation that lasts just a little too long. "And let's be honest - you probably thought that sex never even crossed my mind, didn't you?" That's what nearly everyone thinks about him. It gets real old after a while.

[myheartglows]

Tony winces. "Can you blame me? I sooner saw you chasing truth and justice than some tail. It was either that or you were adamant on the right-person ideal, which..." he trails off as a possibility occurs to him on what should be a logical conclusion based on evidence but contradicts past experiences. It can't be right. Haltingly he finishes, "... obviously you proved false," and looks Steve in the eyes for affirmation. It can't be right.

[gotup]

For just a moment he considers lying (it's not even a lie, really) and saying that the right one was Peggy. But Tony looks him dead in the eye and Steve's a terrible liar and, goddamnit, he doesn't need any more rejection today. He looks down at the bed, breaking eye contact, and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. This is why they shouldn't have these conversations, clearly. Steve's silence says more than his words ever could, and his shoulders hunch slightly, like he's preparing for another emotional blow.

[myheartglows]

Tony feels the ground, newly christened, crumbling beneath his feet. Blinking overmuch, he scrambles to hold the pieces in place. "Right? Steve?" he tries again.

[gotup]

"What do you want me to say?" he asks quietly, still not looking at Tony. His heart feels leaden in his chest. "You're still in love with Pepper. I'm not gonna interfere with that." He likes Pepper - considers her a friend, even - and even if he didn't, he still wouldn't try to come between them. That's just not the sort of thing Steve could ever do.

Except he has, in a way, just by lying to himself and willfully believing all of this would be fine when it's obvious that it would never work out, that it was destined from the very beginning to blow up in his face. Tony deserves better than this.

[myheartglows]

Everything inside of Tony begins to implode. "You invited me to your bed," he gasps, breathless, accusatory, and looks away as he recontextualizes: Steve wants him in that sappy way and has since before this started. The spooning, the care, there was an underlying motive. God, he's an idiot.

[gotup]

Steve closes his eyes. "Not like that," he argues plaintively. Except that the argument is distinctly lacking because of the spooning. "I wasn't trying to get anything out of this, Tony. You made it clear from the start what you wanted, and I agreed to those terms. I want to help you because you're my friend and I'm worried about you - and, hell, the sex was too weird for me to keep going, so trust me, I wasn't doing it for that, either." Although Tony, with his skewed priorities, might feel better if Steve had been capable of using him solely to get off. "When I say that I like it, I don't mean that I'm getting off on bossing you around or having control or anything. I just-" He isn't sure what to say. All of his arguments probably damn him even more in Tony's eyes, and he doesn't blame him for that. It'd sound pretty fishy to him, too.

[myheartglows]

"You like me," Tony states, filling in the blanks between Steve's words. This makes so much more sense with that current underneath. "You get to be close, you get to take care of me, you -- oh, shit." Gasping he doubles over and sticks his head between his knees, his hands on them.

[gotup]

When it's phrased like that, it sounds a lot more selfish and manipulative, and Steve's stomach twists with guilt. He'd thought he'd been doing the right thing - and it still is the right thing, but for all the wrong reasons. He opens his mouth to utter a useless apology, but then Tony's doubling over, and Steve scrambles to the edge of the bed. He hovers nearby, not wanting to touch him, not sure what to do.

"Just breathe, Tony," he offers. His voice is still soft; it's not an order, just concern.

[myheartglows]

From between Tony's knees, muffled and wheezing, comes, "I know! It's required for living!" Chest stuttering with effort, he moves his elbows to his knees and wraps his hands around his head. None of this fits into his previous perception. As much as he prodded and argued, Tony always saw Steve, saw Captain America, as untouchable, a living legend and shining example who is always in the right. (Thanks, Dad.) Suddenly, Steve is human with human desires, someone who can act with motives beyond righteousness, and most mind-blowing of all, Steve desires him.

[gotup]

I'm only trying to help, Steve almost says, but it's his desire to help that landed them in this mess to begin with. "Well, what else are you supposed to say to someone having a panic attack?" he retorts, a little sharply. Not that he doesn't deserve it; Tony trusted him in a way he's only ever trusted one other person, and Steve took that trust and shattered it. As well-meaning as he'd believed it was, that's still an undeniable fact, and he hates himself a little for it. "Cause I can't think of anything else that's useless, let alone anything that might actually help." And he's sure as hell not leaving Tony alone right now.